This past Monday marked 1 year since my unexpected perfect storm (neurological episode) that completely unraveled the life and body I once knew.
In a moments notice I went from LIVING to isolated & bedridden. Unable to speak, eat, see, hear, move... because the vibration of my own voice, the intent to focus on others, ALL noise & light, riding in a car, sheer touch, digesting food... would dramatically overstimulate my NS. The things I’d feel (and still do!) were indescribable; to modern medicine it was unbelievable; and to those who loved me it was utterly unfamiliar & uncomfortable.
I could no longer go to stores, restaurants, gatherings, work, travel to see family...
1. My body couldn’t tolerate any movement and outer stimuli.
2. I could hear, smell, taste (yes, even TASTE!) EVERYTHING!!! The buzzing and brightness of the lights, the vibration of the HVAC, the noise from the people speaking and moving about, to the variety of scents, it was all too much!
I no longer could read, write, type, commune with loved ones, travel, watch tv, listen to music, eat “comfort food”, you know, all the things we use to ease our discomfort and pain.
I became confined to my bedroom, in the dark and quiet space, alone. My moments were spent praying and focusing on each breath to help my body to remain as calm as possible, while it felt like I was laying on a train track with a train driving through me (vibrating, buzzing, shaking,
shredding), light blinding my eyes, horn deafening my ears, hot and cold sensations running through me (over and over again). In addition, I developed PTSD. I no longer felt safe in my own body. I couldn’t trust it because I couldn’t understand it.
I felt sad, alone, and terrified. I grieved HARD. As the days past the reality of the life I once had felt so lost. To no longer have the ability to do the things that brought you joy, purpose and fulfillment, to no longer have any distractions (social activities, work, food, alcohol...), to no longer have the ability, stamina, and where with all the be and feel part of a community, yielded the most sobering, unnerving experience of my life.
It was just ME-MYSELF-&-I (& Divine). Literally. There’s no other being in the world that could mend and heal me. No matter how much I wanted others to come along and rescue me and make it all better, the mirror would instantaneously shift back to me.
There was no single human that could show up for me in the way I needed ME to show up for me.
I had to dig deep and reunite with my inner knowing. My intuition. I knew what I felt. What was “off.” I knew where to turn to ask the questions. I turned to divine. The higher power then learned to trust myself again to listen to the guidance.
One day, I mystically received a book at my front door. I didn’t remember ordering it. I couldn’t even read at this point in time, but I slowly read small segments as I could.
As I started moving through the first chapter of the book I began to weep. A deep, deep shedding of years of suppressed sorrow occurred. This book described MY body, MY mysterious physical experiences (over a lifetime) that I had just written off as a likely fundamental flaw of some kind.
I thought to myself, on more than one occasion, “maybe I’m just too pessimistic/lazy/unsocial/unworthy...” Though, I knew in my core (and actions) these were not true! It’s been reinforced for years that when others don’t relate to your experiences, then it’s “your problem“, so “it must all be in your head”. Though, I never could fully shake the intuition that something was truly “off” within my body. What I was experiencing wasn’t normal/healthy.
This book was a Godsend. So, from that day forward I made a commitment to myself, to love, honor, and respect my body by doing something different than ever before. To follow the protocols laid before me. To lean into this information by releasing my educated mind/professional training and surrender fully into my intuition.
I knew it would take A LOT of re-programming (mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually!!). And it did. And continues to do so. But has been completely worth it.
For the first time I’m doing what is best and healthiest for ME. I’m discovering how to unapologetically care for ME (without judgement and shame!). I do this with love and compassion for myself, hoping to lead by example for others who are inspired to live authentically and fully.
To say the least, this year has been quite a journey... of SELF exploration/worth/ownership and of true physical HEALING!!! Though, my body is not yet 100%, I’m continuing to HEAL and am again hopeful of the future.
If you’re interested in learning more about my illness, the healing protocols I’ve implemented, please continue to follow me as I intend to continue to share more in the coming days. For now, cheers to new beginnings and continued healing.
